Wednesday, December 29, 2010
I am one who is carefully making my way to freedom. I am one who knows to watch for the pitfalls on my journey to wellness. Who is carrying a burden that puts me off balance at times.
I continue to heal from my surgery. Saw the doctor yesterday since I was still bleeding and the nurse thought I should. It appears that what is going on is normal, but the day of complete rest between the call and seeing the doctor probably helped the most. Sometimes we need a little scare to get us to pay attention.
I must continue to walk the path to wellness and look for ways for that to happen. I got two new cookbooks for Christmas. Now to be well enough to start cooking. I am really grateful that my son is here from Tampa. He has made my life easier since the surgery and continues to remind me to take it easy. I really wished he lived closer!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Today I will have surgery to repair a rectocele. Pretty common surgery, but not a lot of fun for recovery. I was told to expect that I won't want to sit for any length of time for 1-2 weeks. So I am looking for the support of family and friends and those who have gone before me. I ask for guidance for the surgeon, Melody Denson, and all the staff of Seton Medical Center.
It is fitting that the beginning of this problem, the birth of my first child, should finish at the same medical facility. It reminds me of the circle of life. Learning from those who go before, listening and supporting with compassion to all those around us.
May I keep an open heart and a positive attitude even if there is a lot of pain and discomfort. I look forward to the week of Christmas with my family. No matter how I feel, I am so grateful they are there for me.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
I am one who craves adventure. I am one who is willing to take risks. I am one who loves to try different things.
As I head off on vacation I am looking forward to seeing some different things and having new experiences. Not up for kayaking or rock climbing! But am looking forward to state parks, pertroglyphs, wineries, a play and some sporting events.
Friday, November 12, 2010
I am still recovering from my day of grief yesterday. It is actually hard to function in a normal fashion. This image reminds me that I can get the nurturing I need from people other than my parents.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
This is a hard day for me. The first Veteran's Day without my dad. It kind of took me by surprise, the fact that I can't stop crying. I don't think I have let myself grieve for him and all that he represents to me. I want to make a difference in the world, like he did.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
This card was made for me by a friend. As the adult child of an alcoholic I spend a lot of my time making things happen a certain way, so there won't be missteps along the way. Sometimes that doesn't allow for the process of learning for those around me. I am trying very hard to let go, but I keep waiting for that slap when things don't go right.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
I am one who is blooming into the person I want to be. I am one who is looking to open her root chakra.
I am learning to take care of myself. Knowing when to say no and limit my activities so I can have the energy to do the things I want and need to do. Resting when I am tired is important. I am not sleeping well and need to make sure I get my naps in when possible.
Monday, August 30, 2010
I am one who is looking for the bright core. I am one who is strong & brilliant. I am one who is blooming into a strong intelligent woman.
Sometimes I feel that I am not very bright. But then I realize that my brilliance is in finding unique solutions to problems. I shouldn't wast my time on "sounding" intelligent. I just need to use my intellect in a way that works for me.
I am one who is looking for excitement. Who is looking for a challenge.
I realized that with Rod not able to do lots because of his knee and a cold, that I really don't want a "do nothing" vacation. If we could stay in the condo and do different things than we do at home, that would be fine. I really don't want to watch TV or read all day!
I am one who feels helpless. I am one who sees the destruction and has no idea how or if to help.
My upbringing makes me want to fix everything. And when I don't help or enable it feels so worn. I just want to fix the world. I am looking for the balance of observing and helping.
I am one who is seeking a peaceful place. I am one who is at home near the water. Who loves to listen to the sounds of waterfalls and running streams.
I realized that the sound of water is what relaxes me more than anything. I am going to miss the sound of the ocean when we leave today!
I am one who is ancient. I am one who looks a little worse for wear. Who has been around the block a few times.
I am not one to have the wool pulled over my eyes. I have knowledge and experience and won't let others walk all over me. I will sand up for what is right for me and my family.
I am one who is hiding from my needs. Who is afraid to ask for help. Who is hungry and afraid.
This child is me. Covering myself in a protective layer. Seeming to be begging crumbs from those around me. I don't feel good enough to ask, juts sit there and look pitiful and maybe someone will give me what I need. Affection, time to chat, companionship.
I am one who is happy surrounded with color. Bright blue skies, green trees and colorful flowers.
There have been times this trip I have thought Oregon would be a cool place to live. But I would mess the bright skies of the south. S.A.D. here I come!
I am one who likes quiet time in nature. I am one who loves to listen to the sounds of nature.
If I can't find some water to be near for peace and quiet-nature is the next best thing. Last night's picnic at Champoeg State Park was great!
Friday, July 16, 2010
After spending a week of sorting through the pieces of my father's life by clearing out his house, I realized that most of what is in my house is useless and unimportant to anyone but me. I really don't want my kids to have to do what I just did.
I really need to simplify my life by divesting myself of useless items. Move on to simplicity and focus on what is important. Family, health and well being.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I am one who is mated for life. I am one who is one half of a whole heart. I am one who is supported by my mate.
Quite honestly, the last couple of months would have been unbearable without my husband. He has been there for whatever I have needed. Support, space, a shoulder to cry on. Can't imagine my life without him!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
I am one who is bursting forth with light. I am one who is stepping out of the darkness. I am one who is aware that this path could take me anywhere, even back into the dark.
My father passed away a month ago and I just got home after clearing out his home of his worldly possessions. I do feel like I am literally stepping into the light after months of the end of life process. Not sure where all this will lead me, but I am ready to move towards the light.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
I am one who is one a perilous road to freedom. I am one who is aware that every step I take is important. I am one who even though my burden is heavy and awkward, knows that it is mine to carry and will do my best to continue on the journey set before me.
Today I will have a vp shunt installed inside my head. It has been a long journey to this juncture, but I am certain I am on the right path. It could be quite a journey to recovery, but it could also be the path to freedom. Freedom from headache, tinnitus, vision problems and cognitive issues. They don't call my condition pseudo tumor for nothing!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
I am one who holds nature in her hand. I am one with the ability to view her her space objectively. I am one who looks to the natural world for peace.
I am waiting for the oak pollen to subside so I can spend some time in nature. Right now if I go out I can't catch my breath. I was accidentally poisoned by Easter Lilies and haven't been the same since. The weather is beautiful and I can't wait to spend some time outdoors.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
I am one who is focused on what is in front of me. I am one who is moving slowly towards the transformation of my life. I am one who sometimes has trouble focusing on the big picture.
Right now my life seems very myopic. One foot in front of the other, focusing on the goal. Not a lot of time to spare for the fun things.
Friday, April 9, 2010
I am one who is caught in a cage. I am one who is still able to sing. I am one who is protected and cared for. I am one who is breaking out of her shell.
I woke up in tears this morning. I hope that is not a precursor to bad news. I will pray for the family members in my dreams and hope that all is well.
The good news is I have a wonderful husband who understands that what I am going through will take a lot of my time and energy. He supports me by being there to cry on, does my chores when I am too exhausted and is the greatest emotional support. I know this life would be much harder without him
Thursday, April 8, 2010
I am one who feels frozen where she is. I am one who is golden on the outside and base metal on the inside, able to appear to be what she is not.
It is hard sometimes to keep up the facade of "everything is all right". I have days where I wonder where I will get the energy to function with any kind of normalcy. We are making progress for my parents' care, but it seems slow going and I have days of despair.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
I am one who is close to nature. I am one who looks for the natural way whenever possible. I am one who wants to spend more time outdoors. I am one who quietly listens to nature.
I have been enjoying Spring. It came a little late and seems it may be a bit short, but I really want to incorporate some time outdoors on my days off. I know the more time I spend in nature the more relaxed and happy I am.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
I am one who is at times feels like 2 people. I am one who is awash with color. I am one who is in the middle of turmoil.
I am looking forward to some restful time. Until that happens, I need to make the best of whatever life throws at me. It is colorful and unexpected, but it is what I have to deal with.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
I am one who is fragile yet strong. I am one who has the capacity to hold everything in. I am one who has great beauty.
This reminds me that God won't give me anything I can't handle. I have the capacity to hold on to what is important and let the rest overflow out of the way. I really need to prioritize. The highest priority is my health.
I took yesterday off. Didn't call my dad, but I needed the break. When things get too overwhelming, I just need to let the unimportant things go.
Friday, April 2, 2010
I am one who looks for energy. I am one who is unpredictable in my energy use. I am one who is trying to conserve energy for the world and myself.
I have found a new solution to my energy crisis. Vitamin D! It appears that being on the low side of normal is not enough for me. I really need to be nearer the middle of the range. The doctor has given me a mega-dose prescription for one tablet a week. The over the counter stuff doesn’t work for me.
It appears that even though this is an old problem, lack of energy, the medical community has been telling us for years to get more sun and we don’t have to worry about vitamin D. Wrong! We should all be tested for our levels and add this vitamin to our regimen.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
I am one who is more comfortable when things line up with an apparent point. I am one who appears to be missing the solar plexus chakra. I am one who loves color.
With all that is going on in my life, I find that I need order. Unfortunately because of what is going on in my life, things are chaos. I am almost done with putting away Christmas, but too many projects have been started and then abandoned to be able to tidy quickly.
My time fills up with dealing with family things long distance and the stress of still learning a job while my boss is getting ready to be finished. That will leave me as the only employee and the only one with the knowledge of everything!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
I am one who wants to get away from it all. I am one who is afraid that there is something coming that will poke a hole in my balloon. I am one who looks at things from a different perspective.
As I move into the end of the week, I think about all I have to do and trying to figure out where the energy will come from. The Universe told me today in my daily email that everything I thought would be difficult was, if I thought it would be fun it was, etc. I really need to look at things objectively and not prejudge. Then what will be will be, but I won't be making it worse by worrying.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
I am one who thinks outside the box. I am one who loves to have things neatly organized. I am one who is always smiling.
What I like and what I have are two different things. I would love to be organized, it just doesn't seem to be in the cards. Today is the day I put Christmas away. I am not sure what the reluctance to this task is, but it has become a problem. There needs to be one room in the house that it neat and tidy. The living room is the easiest! I should just do it.
Monday, March 29, 2010
I am one who has many selves. I am one who is young and sexy; elegant; loves to sing and dance. I am one who is adaptable to most situations.
I really need to make sure I don't lose myself as I adapt to meet the current situation. Sometimes it is hard to remember who I am.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
I sometimes feel like I separate the important parts of myself to keep out the old pain. I want to find a way in to access those thoughts and memories. Bring them to the open and look at them from a safe distance.
Friday, March 26, 2010
I am one who knows there is poverty in the world. I am one who sees that there is enough for all, if only all would share. I am one who is helpless and heartbroken.
I just came back from a week of trying to help my parents. My dad is unwell and needs to go into care but they have too many assets and not enough cash to pay for the care they need. I feel helpless because I couldn't get more accomplished and heartbroken because I hear the fear and pain in my father's voice.
Friday, January 29, 2010
I am one who is reaching for the bright center. I am one who is concerned about the traversing the maze to reach the center, but is sure that with time and diligence she car arrive there.
At the moment, the maze is Christmas decorations still up. Today is the day I tackle that. I want to document all the ornaments in a database. Many have great meaning to me and I don't want to lose that information before I pass things on to my kids.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
I am one who dances by the rushing waters. I am one who is fiery, joyful and full of life. I am one who worships with joy in nature.
This is my reminder to spend more time outdoors doing the things I love. I have been spending way too much time indoors with stuff! I will be in Tucson next week and will have to take some time to get outdoors, preferably not just at my Dad's, but maybe at the bird sanctuary. The water there doesn't rush, but it is home to many migratory birds.