Seaching for Fuel

I am one who is looking for nourishment. Who is searching for the right fuel for my life. Who has spent a lot of time flitting from place to place looking for what I need to live a full and complete life.

Right now my search is medical. Looking for the right balance of practices and medications that will help me be healthy, active and alert. It is not easy. 

This weekend I had a bad reaction to a new medication and spent the whole time resting, hoping a horrendous headache would go away. I stopped the drug and the headache is gone, all that is left is the echo of the headache. The sleeping meds don't seem to help either, I will quit them too.

Care for Nature

I am one who is looking down at the earth. Who is crying because it is not being taken care of like it should. I am one who is part of nature and wishes to see more of the quiet peaceful places in the world.

Looking forward to spending some time in nature when we get to Oro Valley, AZ for Thanksgiving. The Sonoran Desert Museum, Sabino Canyon, Saguaro National Monument, just being with Rod while we rediscover those favorite places. It will also be a sad time. My dad will no longer be there, we will have to go to the cemetery in Cave Creek to be with him.

Looking Inside Myself

I am one how is beginning to look inside. Who is spending much of her time on introspection. Who feels like she is out in the cold, just trying to find a way to get warm.

I don't feel well today and need to see the doctor as it has been dragging on for awhile. So I have been spending a lot of my time on introspection.

I spent Friday evening and all day Saturday with a group of women from my church learning about Spiritual Journaling. The journaling really dragged up some issues. Not sure if that was good or bad. Perhaps bad timing, since I am not feeling well. Good in the way that I needed the stuff up closer to the surface. We will see what else surfaces as I continue to deal with the health issues that are not being diagnosed because of the busyness of the doctors. I can't get an appointment until 2012!

Open to Water Energy

I am one who is fully bloomed. Who is open to all that is available to me. Who plans to make the most of my life.

I am heading to the beach. I can't wait to spend some time listening to the waves, birds and all that goes with the beach.

I will be open to all the energy that is available to me. Filling me for the following year. All that wonderful water energy that I don't get enough of living drought ridden Texas.

More time than cash!

I am one who sees those with more money than they know what to do with. Who sees those who don't help when they can. I am one who is feeling the impact of no job.

I am waiting to feel well enough to job search. There is the recovery from surgery and the memory problems. I am waiting to hear about an appointment for testing on the memory.

Overwhelmed

 
I am one who is looking for time to be creative. Who is wishing she could get messy with her art. Who is overwhelmed with what needs to be done to tidy up my studio.


I have so much to do. No energy as I heal from surgery. There are friends and family coming in from out of town for Kyle's graduation. I need space to put them up and the house needs a bunch of repairs. Graduation is 3 weeks from today!

Safe in My Cocoon

I am one who is protected by ancient energy. Who is feeling safe inside my space. I am one who is hoping the healing energies of the pyramid will sustain me through recovery.

Since I have been unable to drive I feel like I have been cocooning for a couple weeks. I am not sure form I will take when my chrysalis finally hatches. 

But the enforced time at home has let me spend time healing. I think that is the real reason for the no drive rule by doctors!

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. MLK

I am one who knows that I need to make the first step, even if all the rungs are not yet in place. I am one who is afraid where that first step may lead. I am one who knows that the Universe will support me on my journey up the ladder.

It is scary to take that first step into what at some point could be rung-less. I am focusing this week on getting through Thursday. I am unsure what if anything I will be able to do after the surgery. I am trying to be as organized as I can. I am trying to accomplish those things that are really difficult for others to do for me  and leave the things easy for others to accomplish.

I need to focus a bit more on the thoughts and fears that go with major surgery and less on the things to accomplish.
 

Maze of My Life

I am one who is reaching for the bright center of my soul. Who is aware of the maze that will lead me there. Who is wishing it was easier, no wrong  or u-turns. I am one who feels lost and looking for the clear path to the bright center of myself.

I understand that I have to go through trials and tribulation to find the real me. But sometimes I feel like I have had enough and just want the path to be apparent.

Especially for the doctors. I am tired of being the puzzle for them to figure out. I just want to have an answer and a solution to my health issues!!!

Serenity

I am one who is missing my week at the coast. I am one who is feeling the need to be in the ocean. Who is desperate for the oppressive heat to end.

There are 2 places I go to in my mind when I need break; the Oregon coast and Las Cruces, NM. 

It has been so hot here in Texas, that Oregon is calling to me. I will make due with a long weekend on the Gulf coast next month, but it will be hot and sunny, not cool and foggy. I really need some cool and foggy!

I would really love to have some shady water to go to right now! It would go a long way to soothing my soul.

How Do I Steer This Thing?

I am one who is feeling the heat from all that the Universe is sending me close to. Who is unsure what lies ahead when I don't seem to have much choice in my direction. Who is worried that if the lava doesn't get me the smoke will.

I am struggling with health issues again/still. My neurologist is not available until January, so I will see his PA today. I am not sure if I should hope things are bad enough to get me in sooner or not. My confusion, hand shaking and other assorted symptoms continue. Although the everything hurts symptom has lessened to everything is uncomfortable.

It is really hard to look for a job when you feel this way!

Facade

I am one who at times seems bigger than life. Who is able to perform as though I am a strong person, but is actually just afraid to fail. Who appears to love the spotlight, but is truly just trying to find my niche.

I have recently realized that very few people know the real me. I have been performing as the person I think they want me to be for so long I have lost some of myself. It is hard to maintain that facade now that I feel so ill.

I really am a petty, jealous, lazy person. It appears I got more of the Adams' women genes than I thought.

Nurture vs Nature

I am one who is nurturing. Who loves to spend time with my children.Who is aware that now that they are adults I  have less influence on their decision making.

I always feel sad when Carey & Pam go back home. I know that they have their own lives, but I do enjoy being around them and miss them when they are at their home. 

Our conversations always bring up things that are interesting to think about when they have gone home.

Working in Harmony

I am one who loves to lead people to make beaurtiful music together. Who loves to have everything work in concert. Who understands that even the wrong notes can add a certain beauty.

I am working on a couple of workshops at church. It is fun to use my skills, creativity and daring to help put together a day for women to come together to learn and grow as they explore their spirituality. And working with wonderful women to make that happen inspires me to be more creative in my art and life.

On Track

I am one who loves to walk in the sand. I am one who sometimes feels alone. Who is wondering what is behind the shadow that seems to be following me.

At WRLG last night we spoke of coming home to yourself. I always feel at home on the beach, it doesn't matter what the weather is. I also feel at home in the pine trees. These two bits of nature always center me.

The first place I said was home was my husband. If things are bad and I am having a hard time, I can always get centered when I speak with him. I think he is that shadow following me, keeping me on track.

Strong But Fragile

I am one who is strong but fragile. Who is ready to expand my creativity and share it with others. Who can make the same things seem different.

I am working on a new series of glass. I can't wait for the first piece to come out of the kiln. If it worked the way I hoped, it will be a triptych for the wall of my home.

Water's Edge

I am one who is finding herself in a precarious position. I am one who is aware that this could be a new beginning or an ending to life as it is now. Who takes solace in knowing that there is a protector behind me to keep me safe as I travel this new path.

The job search is not going well and I need to think about where else I might find employment. It is difficult at my age to change focus in my career path. I really need to get a chance to sit by the water's edge and contemplate my path.

Cravings

I am one who is frequently of two minds about things. Who has trouble with keeping to the path my brain says to follow, it seems my cravings always win. Who is not always sure whether to be nice or a bitch.

I really am struggling with this problem. My brain tells me one thing and my body craves another. I just wish I had the strength to not give in to the cravings and make my body do what is right.

Breaking Out!

I am one who is looking for ways to escape the norm. I am one who is being reborn.

I really am tired of the same old thing. I guess it comes from not working, but I really feel I need to reinvent myself. So I am clearing out stuff. Making room for the new me! Brutally clearing out things from my house and life. 

If I don't want it, and the family doesn't want it, it needs to go!

Reconnecting

I am one who is making sure I can communicate with everyone I care about. Who is making the effort to get in touch with those far away.

I am in touch with many more people now after my class reunion. And have found ways to connect with more. This will be fun!

Hanging by a thread!

I am one who sometimes feels that I am hanging out there without help. Who is frightened of the unknown.

I had a very stressful day yesterday and feel like I am in new territory just hanging out there not knowing if what I am doing is right or if it is opening me up to things I would rather not have to deal with. If I make a wrong step it could mean tragedy.

Relax and Create!

I am one who is happy to spend time relaxing. Who is always ready to create something colorful.

After spending the morning pulling weeds and grass out of the beds in the front yard, I am ready to relax and spend the day being creative. I will have to clear some space to do that as Helios is not open on Sundays. I will have to work in my own space.

Maiden, Mother, Crone

I am one who is aware of the stages of my life; Maiden, Mother, Crone. Who is looking back at two of the stages and trying to find the right tune of the third.

Next week I will go to my 40th class reunion and visit with friends I haven't seen in at least 25 years. This is my first time to a class reunion and I am so not the "maiden" they knew. Although since I didn't hang out with most of the kids in my high school, but my 4-H friends most of my classmates were acquaintances.

My life has been a wonderful journey completely outside the scope of my imaginings as a maiden. I need to focus on the Crone I have become and not revert to the Maiden while visiting with family and former classmates.

Old Habits

I am one who feels tied to where I seem to be stuck. Who is working to find a way to cut loose.

It feels like I never am able to break my old habits. I try to make progress in cleaning my house, but I don't have the energy to do it or ride herd on those who could help.

Sometimes I think I should just drive the lot to a charity shop and be done with it. But it seems silly when I am out of work to give away things I could actually get money for.

World Passing Me By

I am one who is relaxing as the world passes by. Who is comfortable watching it go by. Who is unaware of the precariousness of her position.

This card always intrigues me. I am unsure if I should have an "oh well" attitude or be concerned. Today I think I will not worry about what is passing me by. Today I will work on what is important for today and not worry about tomorrow!

Which Direction?

I am one who is looking in every direction for guidance. Who is willing to stretch myself to find my way on the path.

I am trying to find the time to work on my path, it seem to be overwhelmed by things to accomplish. But not searching out my path seems to make it harder to accomplish things, so I really need to make time daily for study and meditation.

Undecided

I am one who is undecided as to what to chew on next. Who is looking at all the goodies and licking my chops while I decide. Who likes to think that the perfect thing is out there but am unsure how to find it.

Life has thrown us another curve ball. The job I thought I would get, I didn't. Oh, well I guess it wasn't the right job. Now to decide which way to go. Continue eating the same old stuff, look for new exotic stuff or cruise on over to something completely different! 

I really need this time to organize myself and my house. I have also decided to spend a little more time in Wisconsin after by brother's wedding. Connect with some old friends and support my sister a bit after her hand surgery. Hopefully I will come across the right thing to do.

My Own Spiritual Path

I am one who is on her own spiritual path. Who is not intimidated by those who are on a different path. Who is comfortable surrounded by those not on the same path.

This path is my own, I am still exploring it. Even though most of the jobs I am applying for are in churches on a different path, my openness to them following their path makes it OK.

This feels more comfortable than working in an environment where the path is not the focus.

Balance

I am one who is looking for balance. Who is aware that energy is sometime not where you need it to be. I am one who realizes that today's balance may not last.

I am struggling to find the balance between hope and despair. Will they call and tell me I have the job or will it go to one of the other 2 candidates. I would enjoy this job, have actually been employed there in the past. Hope that gives me an edge.

Protection

I am one who protects myself from the night. I am who is standing on the edge of the land and sea. Who is aware that many have gone before me and I need to pay attention to what they have to say before they are gone.

I do feel right now that I am in protection mode. I just don't know if it is a good thing or just isolationism. Rarely do I want to leave my home unless I have to and I don't want to see but a few people. Part of it is not feeling well, but I am not sure that is all of it.

It appears that life has decided to come down heavily on me. We will spend next weekend with hubby's family celebrating his dad's 90th. We know this is the last time we will see him alive as he has lung cancer. All the elders in my family are going now. It is getting hard to deal with those losses.

Out of Focus

I am one who is focused on the small bits. Who is hanging with my friends enjoying life.

As this is the 3rd time I have drawn this card in 2 weeks. I think it must have something to say to me that I just don't get. I have been looking at it as a focus card. Focusing on the details and not seeing the big picture or focusing on renewal. I will have to think about what this cared really has to say. I am sure it will come up until I get the message it wants me to have!

The Sound of Water

I am one who loves the sound of water. I am one who's soul is nourished when she is near water. Who dreams of living where she can hear the water always.

I am in a fragile spot today and I don't know why. But I am close to tears for no apparent reason and just feel like I want to spend the day alone and not have to deal with people. I am going to say it is the antibiotics and leave it at that. I take the last one this morning, so by tomorrow I will feel better.

I have a fountain given to me by my son and his girlfriend. I think I need to set it up today to have the peaceful sound of water to soothe me.

Nourish my Soul

I am one who flits from flower to flower looking for nourishment. I am one who is looking for the best way to nourish my soul.

I continue to look for the best ways for me to grow spiritually. The religion of my youth was a great base to build on, but the organized part does not seem to fit me like it did when I was younger. My religion was a cloak to wear that protected me from harm, but didn't seem to keep me nourished. I am looking for the nourishment, not so much the protection.

Wisdom

I am one who has the knowledge of the world at her fingertips. I am one who has wisdom.

I am feeling old this week. Health issues are harder to resolve. I am tired and just wish I could figure out what is going on and how to heal myself!

Jewels of my life

I am one who carries with me all of the jewels I have been given throughout my life. I am one who knows that these jewels can be a heavy burden, but are well worth the effort. I am one who shared these jewels with those that I meet on my path. I am one who has the strength to carry this jewels because I have a very supportive partner.

This is a great reminder of all that I have been given in my life. The pretty, the plain, the glitzy bits of my life are an important part of me that I wear with pride. I hope that all these bits of me show through in how I live my life. I try to be compassionate, caring, non-judgmental but also keep my strength in place to protect myself and those around me.

I am supported by a wonderful husband and family. They make the burden light.

Blessing in Diguise

I am one who has riches flowing down to me. I am one who knows that I am not like the crowd and look at riches differently than they do. I am one who knows that these riches can be viewed as a burden to protect yourself from.

This card is interesting to me. Right now we will be spending a lot of money to help out our son. He is going through a break up and will be moving back to TX. He has no job and is in school so his girlfriend had been supporting him. He graduates this summer, so it shouldn't be long term.

It is a blessing that he is coming home, but blessings can sometimes be a burden as well. There will be another person in the house and a cat too. All things to get used to after our empty nest home is filled again!

Time to Heal

I am one who is taking the time to heal. Who feels the pressure of the time passing, but is willing to use the time to let my body heal.

This laying around not able to do anything is driving me crazy! I see all this stuff that needs doing, but the minute I do anything, I am in pain and start to bleed more. So I continue to lay around, read and watch TV.

I went to a NYE party last night and it really wore me out. But I didn't do anything to make it worse, I am just tired. I really needed the time with people outside the family!